


It's for the best.

by nsofties



Series: jaewin social media au [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Confessions, Friendship, Love Confessions, M/M, Rejection, this is for my au :) but it got too long so here it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-12 23:28:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18020519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nsofties/pseuds/nsofties
Summary: Jaehyun starts talking and he can't stop. He hates the pity that Sicheng shows him.





	It's for the best.

**Author's Note:**

> this is text for my [jaewin twitter social media au](https://twitter.com/nsofties/status/1099482717773840385) that i'm working on!  
> i guess it can't really stand alone by itself - or maybe it can.  
> not proof-read, not beta'd, nothing. just written in a flurry in twenty minutes.

Jaehyun’s appearance at the door startles Sicheng, who looks up from his laptop where Candle in the Tomb is paused. “Hey. What’s up?” Jaehyun says nothing, instead plopping into the seat across from him at the small table in the kitchen. The apartment is quaint - warm and inviting and perfect for Sicheng. It’s not Jaehyun’s first time here, but he feels like it may be his last. He thinks of the spare key on his keychain that he’ll have to give up. “... Nevermind? I guess?”

His hands are clammy and sporadically grasp at the fabric of his sweatpants as he hyper-focuses on the logo of Sicheng’s laptop. As the silence drags on, his best friend closes the laptop and sends him a concerned look. He doesn’t know  _ how _ to say it. He’s played this scenario in his head hundreds of times at this point, but no amount of mental exercise ever really… prepared him for the fear and anxiety that Jaehyun feels pool in the bottom of his stomach. He isn’t sure if he wants to vomit or pass out, but hopes he doesn’t do either.

“... I mean, you don’t have to tell me what’s bothering you, you know.”

Jaehyun doesn’t mean to, but he flinches. He  _ knows _ \- he  _ knew _ that Sicheng would be understanding of him being an absolute mess. It makes his palms sweat even more, and beads are starting to appear on his forehead. 

“Are you sick? Do you need some medicine? I have some in my room.”

“No! No, no.” Jaehyun’s reaction is knee-jerk, his hand reaching out to grab Sicheng’s wrist. “I’m not sick.” They sit in silence and, more for his benefit than Sicheng’s, he murmurs quietly, “I’m not sick. I promise.”

He wonders if he looks as small as he feels under Sicheng’s gaze. He slowly pulls his hand back into his lap as Sicheng sits down, pulling his laptop closer to him and resting his arms lightly on it.

“Then what’s going on, Jaehyun? You haven’t been this tightly wound since we were in high school.” Sicheng’s laugh is easy, smooth - everything that Jaehyun wishes he  _ could _ be in this situation. He knows what Sicheng is referencing - the time that Sicheng confessed. The moment that threw Jaehyun’s world off balance.

“Uh… If I… If I just, you know…  _ talk _ , or whatever… do you promise to just listen? And not say anything until I’m done?”

Sicheng’s shoulders stiffen and his body seizes as if he’s getting ready to run. Regardless, he nods. “Right. Okay, sure.”

“Okay… Right. Here I go. Right…  _ now _ .” Jaehyun laughs nervously and Sicheng raises an eyebrow in confusion. He doesn’t say anything though, lips pursed. “Right…  _ now _ . Okay. I’m starting. I’m  _ starting _ , back at high school. When you confessed -  _ no _ , don’t run off. And don’t say anything. I’m starting back at high school, when you confessed. I liked you back, but I was  _ scared _ and  _ stupid _ , and so I rejected you. You were the best thing that happened to me, so I pushed you away… That sounds stupid, doesn’t it? But I  _ was _ \- I  _ am _ stupid, you know.

“That whole… I… it  _ fucked me up _ . So badly. I found myself in college and the first year - it was okay. It was okay because we weren’t back to normal, but when I was home, it felt normal  _ enough _ … But, then you went off to college and never really came back home. And I just… slipped. I slipped back into the stupid fucking idiot I was before you came into my life.” Jaehyun looks at Sicheng’s disapproving glance and he grimaces. “I know. I hate that me, too. He’s an asshole.

“But, I kind of… came to that conclusion on my own, for the first time, you know. I just kept thinking, God, Sicheng would fucking  _ kick my ass _ if he saw me right now. And so I tried to clean up my act - worked really hard, fixed my grades, kind of, and graduated on time which was a fucking  _ miracle _ , if I can say so myself. I sacrificed a lot, but I graduated. I didn’t have any friends - yeah, that’s why whenever you ask about them I can’t say anything. Just - okay, let me finish, okay? I graduated, alone, but, it happened, and I was like. Well,  _ fuck _ . What do I  _ enjoy _ ? What do I want to do?

“A year of soul-searching and I found myself as a research technician for a biopharmaceutical company and realized that I wanted to  _ live, breathe, be _ science. It paid well, the people were nice, the benefits were nice… I thought about getting a Masters or a PhD to help me work higher positions. And I was going to. Until you came back into my life. Kind of like an angel. But not actually but, you know, you were back in my life. And it was nice. Having you back.

“I mean like - literally, not figuratively. I know, stop giving me that look. I  _ know _ I’m being dramatic right now. Just  _ let me _ . Right. Continuing forward. Okay, so you messaged me, yeah? And I was really… I was in a comfortable place in my life, but something was always missing and I realized it was  _ you _ . And so when you messaged me, I handed in my two weeks notice because I didn’t lack faith in either of us. Working with you was like a dream. Sure, I miss biopharma, but… I think I would’ve regretting not working with you. FOMO, am I right? Okay, stop judging me.

“I like who I am better when you’re around, Sicheng. You make me a better person. I don’t know how to  _ be _ without you. It was a weird seven years and having you back just… I just realized. You know? That I - stop smirking, I  _ know _ you’re singing the Lauv song in my head I don’t  _ mean _ to sing it when I say this, but I really do like me better when I’m with you. So.  _ So _ . This is me. Telling you everything. And, uh. Letting you know. That I love you.”

Jaehyun doesn’t think that he breathes once starts talking from the way his chest heaves when he finishes. He wonders if anything he said even made  _ sense _ \- it was a blur and Jaehyun thinks that he blacked out during that, omitting things he had practiced saying to himself in the mirror. What he does remember from those several minutes of endless monologuing is Sicheng. The entire time he looked at Sicheng’s face, watching the way his expression changed from fear, to surprise, to sadness and everything in-between. He hates how the emotion that he finally settles on is pity. The gentle curve of his brow as it furrows in concern, his mouth somewhere between a pout and disapproval.

“Jaehyun…”

“And, you know. I’m not expecting an answer. I’m  _ not _ , don’t look at me like that. I hate this. I’m not - I’m  _ not _ .” The tears at the corners of his eyes betray him as he furiously tries to blink them away.  _ He _ was always the strong one for Sicheng and here he is, falling apart. He  _ hates _ this.

“... I didn’t know,” whispers Sicheng, hand tightly gripping his neck. When he pulls his hand away, the skin is a bright red, slowly fading as instead his hands rest back on top of his laptop, folding together. “I didn’t - I had no idea. I should’ve known. I know you enough I - I just  _ figured _ , but that’s what got us into this situation in the first place, huh.”

“I don’t need an answer -” The words fall from his lips when he looks up to see Sicheng sitting straight, shoulders taught. His face is devoid of emotion - something practiced, Jaehyun recognizes. It’s not the first time that Jaehyun can’t read his face, but it’s the first time that he’s full closed off, unable to tell  _ anything _ . 

“I… loved you. Love you, still, even.” Hope blooms in Jaehyun’s chest. “But I think for both of us… For  _ ourselves _ , we can’t. Not now, maybe later. It’s okay to find your own career path without me, Jaehyun. I think - I  _ know _ that we need to grow ourselves before we grow any more together.”

“Oh.” Jaehyun feels as if the wind has been knocked out of his chest as he struggles to inhale. He was right. It  _ is _ his last time in Sicheng’s apartment. The smell of his best friend’s home cooking curls around him like an invisible blanket, comforting and a shield from reality.

“-hyun. Jaehyun. Listen to me.” Sicheng gathers his attention again by gently placing a hand on his shoulder before retracting it. “Do what  _ you _ love. You don’t love cooking, and you don’t love being in front of a camera. I know you. You  _ love _ science. Not  _ loved _ , but you  _ love. _ Everyone at Neo Kitchen will understand. Go back to what you  _ love _ , Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun would’ve thought that this didn’t hurt Sicheng - his face was compassionate, but dully so, as if this was a chore. But the way his hand shook on his shoulder makes him realize that his best friend is hurting just as bad as he is.

“I  _ am _ where I need to be.”

“No. You’re where you want to be.” Sicheng’s smile is bittersweet as he leans back in the seat. “It’s corny, it’s overused, but… we’ll end up together if that’s how it’s supposed to be, you know. But for now, let’s work on ourselves, okay? For ourselves. Not for anyone else.”

Jaehyun hates the way his head is pounding, but he nods. “Yeah.”

“It’s for the best.”

“Yeah.”


End file.
